Posted January 31, Reviewed by Tyler Woods. Parent and adult-children relationships are often difficult for a variety of reasons. Here are the most common ones:. While Maggie has fond memories of that wonderful trip and the financial sacrifice she made taking Simone to Disney World, Simone's strongest memory of the trip is how Maggie scolded her about dropping her ice cream cone.
We all leave our childhood years with a few dozen memories, but usually, the parent and the child's are very different: Maggie thought the Disney trip was both fantastic and a big sacrifice. For Simone, Disney was where she, yet again, did something wrong. Memories tend to collect around a theme that eventually becomes a set story about childhood or parenting , and the story becomes each's different reality. Our lives move through developmental chapters, each with its own focus and challenges.
But it's easy to see how these stages can clash: Simone is sensitive about their past relationship and when she feels she is still being treated like a teenager , pulls back; Maggie, looking ahead, wants more, feels frustrated, and keeps reaching out. Both are feeling that they're not getting what they need; they are stuck in an approach-avoid loop.
Every important relationship can benefit from a periodic state-of-the-union check-up. Simone and Maggie are no different, especially because they are struggling with different needs and perspectives. The keys are focusing on ongoing behavioral patterns, not isolated events, the present state of the relationship, and what needs to change rather than trolling through the past.
Maggie says that while she knows Simone is busy, she seems to only reach out when she needs something, leaving Maggie feeling dismissed and neglected. Speaking up is the essential first step; avoiding the problems and hoping they will somehow improve is magical thinking. Solving relationship problems is not just about getting the other person to stop doing what you don't like, but telling them what you'd like them to do instead—and the doing needs to be concrete.
