Dear Eric: My son, who is 31, still lives at home. He is a great person and is not antisocial. I want him to start his own life. I push him to get a better job so that he can afford to live on his own, but he is very resistant to my pleas. His mother and I are so worried that he is missing out on life.
My father did that to my siblings and it was ugly and damaged his relationship with his children. I know that I am too soft on him, and I coddled him growing up.
What can I and his mother do? There is so much middle ground between throwing an adult child out and coddling. The decisions your son is making about his life may not be the ones you or your wife would prefer for him.
Part of parenting, especially being the parent of an adult, is letting your child make their own mistakes sometimes. And, most importantly, letting them learn from them. Part of it can be a financial conversation.
Is he paying rent or otherwise contributing to household expenses? If not, he should, as another adult in the house and as someone who probably could use some practice in budgeting. Decide on a fair rate and present it to him. You might also dig into the why behind his resistance to getting a better-paying job. See if you can have a conversation about what his desires are for his life without putting your desires for his life on it. This might give you some insight into his thinking and help you find another way in.
