Talk about difficult subjects without being interrupted! Partners have legitimate differences in the areas. You might think your partner was talking to a child, or an employee from his or her tone of voice. Or, you are completely unaware of how your voice and your face can intimidate your partner.
In this case, the part their tone of voice played in why a partner became upset. If you find yourself being told periodically by others that they are offended by your tone of voice, you will benefit by taking this seriously. You may simply make an effort and by dint of will you might successfully eliminate most of those instances of being disrespectful. The people that I see in my office for anger management have not been able to change their verbal and non-verbal controlling behaviors.
They are unaware of the part their tone of voice plays in the dance of conflict. A tone of voice can convey disgust, disrespect, contempt, rejection, dismissal or indifference. These disconnecting moments have a lot to do with why there is a lack of intimacy, sex and fun in a relationship! Some people cannot tolerate listening and responding to comments about their tone of voice… at all. They become argumentative and oppositional.
It is common for men in our group to take months before beginning to see their part in the conflicts they have with others. Usually, because it feels black and white to them. It seems that if they accept any responsibility, then they are accepting all the responsibility for the problems. So they continue to blame their partner. It takes a while for these men to learn to partialize.
To be able to partialize responsibility means that each partner is able to see their part in how a conflict began, or got worse. If you, or your partner, feel disrespected that fact is not debatable. Say, your partner tells you that you had an edge of contempt or intimidation in your voice. You have issues from your family, or your ex. If you were the one feeling disrespected, would you tolerate someone telling you that you could not express your experience because you were judged wrong or crazy?
